5 Times Blue October Helped Me Cope with High-Functioning Depression

I live with high-functioning depression. It is my blessing and my curse and it is very real. Everyday I get up, I pray and count my blessings, then go about my daily life, feeling too sensitive to the world I was born into. I try to lead a purpose-driven life and it is sometimes so exhausting that I have to remind myself that chugging a bottle of wine will unhinge me, not enlighten me. Sometimes I chug the wine anyway but I have better outlets too. Creating stuff, dragon eggs, blog posts, listening to music.

One of my favorite bands to listen to when I am feeling down is Blue October. Here is a list of 5 times listening to Blue October nailed my emotions and/or made me feel better.

1. Into the Ocean

"Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound, like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up and take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down..."

2. Hate me

"In a sick way I want to thank you
For holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself,
You were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions
On things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself
When it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away
That I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart
To leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah, ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you..."

3. Calling You 

"I thought that the world had lost it's sway
(It's so hard sometimes)
Then I fell in love with you
(Then came you)
And you took that away
(It's not so difficult
The world is not so difficult)
You take away the old
Show me the new
And I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you
So while I'm on this phone
A hundred miles from home
I'll take the words you gave me and send them back to you.

Well I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping are you're dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me

Well I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping are you're dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me..."

4. X-amount of Words

"Relapse
Prevent trigger intent
Now drown.
High strung
Say X amount of words

You're solar, bipolar
Panic disorder
Seems harder and harder and harder
Still you try to control it.

Your brain is faulty wiring
the reason for tiring
Keep treating the curse,
Imagine the worst
Systematic, sympathetic
Quite pathetic, apologetic, paramedic
Your heart is prosthetic..."

5. 18th Floor Balcony (this was Jer and I's wedding song and it still wreaks havoc on my heart in the best way) 

"We talked, moms and dads
Family past
Getting to know where we came from
Hearts were on display
Go off to sleep
I can't believe this is happening to us

I raised my hands as if to show you I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
And I'm still so yours for the taking
And that's when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
No words to say, And then you kissed me

And I knew it from the start
So our arms are opened wide
And your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep
Here we are on this 18th floor balcony
We're both flying away..."

First week at Phillipsburg Primary School

First day of school

Jonas started  Second Grade this week and while it had a couple of hiccups it was, for the most part, pretty good. Jonas as always, is a well adjusted and socially sound kid. He was excited to start at a new school and make new friends in addition to his old ones. He doesn't seem phased by much and is so easy going.  Definitely more like his Dad in this regard. I have no doubt he will shine bright and succeed.

I don't remember a lot from my elementary school years. My mom is the best, she is supportive and has always been their for us...but she wasn't the type to document every little shit and piss I ever   did in an anthology of my entire existence up until this point. She has 5 kids and honestly, she just didn't have time for that and that is okay with me.

Jer's life was very much documented. His mom kept everything and wrote everything down. They have family vacations, holidays, school days, etc photographed and organized in albums. I loved when his mom shared the albums and the binder full of Jeremiah's school days with me.  It was a part of him that existed that I could never touch. Somehow I still knew him through his constants of then that are still a part of him now.  He is a snarky chop buster but he is also just a really good person. He always has been.

I save everything, a lot can happen in 7 years and while I don't have Jonas holding a chalkboard with Second Grade written on it, I have my own way of organizing it all so I don't ever forget.  I keep his binders, make his photobooks, and my fridge is a collage of his accomplishments. He means everything to me and I want him to be able to look back and know we cared about every moment.

Best of luck in Second Grade, Jonas. You got this and someday, when it seems like forever ago, I will prove it to you.

Dog Days of Summer

The phrase "dog days of summer" doesn't really mean hot, lazy days.  The real meaning has kind of been lost in translation over the centuries. It originated from the Greeks and referred to the appearance of Sirius, known as the dog star, in the sky typically in July through August (just ask J.K. Rowling if you don't believe me).

This sums up Mia's personality perfectly

Our dog days of summer were quite literal. My sister and her new husband embarked on their honeymoon in Hawaii and left their Black Lab, Mia, with us for a few weeks.








We love having her though I'm still not ready to commit to getting a dog of our own (much to Jonas' chagrin). She is a great dog (though she did think a package of Vienna Fingers had been abandoned and ate every cookie left unclaimed).

The evidence of Mia's indulgence

Jonas and Mia enjoying the playground equipment during our evening walks.

 

Mia is Jonas' constant companion when he gets home from school. She goes to bed when he does and though she starts out on her spot near his bed, she always makes her way onto his bed and that's how we find them in the morning.

We will be sad to give Mia back this Saturday but are grateful for the fun we had with her even though we will miss her. I'm glad her being with us gave my sister and her hubby peace of mind to enjoy their honeymoon knowing their furry child was well taken care of.

I don't expect Mia's visit and return will do much to deter Jonas from wanting a dog...I predict a dog will find a top spot on his Christmas wish list! :P

Anna & R.J's Wedding: Waters Edge Bayville, NJ

R.J. & Anna (not pictured: Hermine) photo by BeauRidge Photography

I grew up on the Jersey Shore with my five siblings. Don't judge us, we aren't like what you see on the old show of the same name. Truthfully, I'm not even much of a beach person (though the ocean at night has quite a hypnotic and calming effect on me). When my sister and her (now) husband decided to get married at the Waters Edge in Bayville I knew their visions for an incredible day with the Bay as the backdrop were filed away in their highest hopes. They love the shore, their new bay side home and the beach life we grew up on. They had their hearts set on saying "I DO" in the salty air with seagulls squawking overhead and the bay lapping around the docks.

But it is September and we are in Hurricane season. The forecast wasn't looking good anymore and it appeared that tropical storm Hermine was stirring up trouble just in time to make an issue for my sister's wedding.  The day before we went to the venue for the rehearsal and watched as my sister tried to keep it together as the contingency plan to move the ceremony indoors the next day was commencing. After all, one thing you can't control is the weather...they both knew that when they picked the place but the plans proposed for the indoor ceremony were not what my sister, Anna had in mind and she was beginning to break under the weight of disappointment. The owner spoke of the possibility of flooded out roads, damaging winds and all kinds of doom and gloom predictions that are sure to stress out a couple on the eve of their wedding day.

During this time, the staff at Waters Edge didn't seem accommodating and I (and our combined families) were less than impressed  with their reluctance to give my sister what she wanted...which was quite simple by the way.  She wanted an aisle with chairs for guests on either side, she wanted to be able to enter into the room with her father as her husband-to-be saw her for the first time. She did NOT want to stand in the middle of the dance floor while everyone sat at their assigned tables for the dinner reception. After some negotiations and compromises by the couple's amazing team of family/friend supporters, we came to a solution that worked for Anna & R.J.

All night as I laid next to my sister on her last night as an unmarried woman with my son (and her Godson) laying between us on the enormous bed, I tossed and turned and checked the weather for the second time in 15 minutes. Nothing changed... 3 red warnings blared on, confirming the weather on their wedding day was sure to be dismal. I was worried and heartsick for them. First world problems, I know, but nonetheless they plagued me.

I woke up in the morning to my sister tearing the curtains open revealing an incredibly bright sunny day. No wind. No rain. Zero indication that anything resembling Hermine was any where in the vicinity. We left the hotel suite to go to Waters Edge for hair and makeup and the owner told us as we were walking in that chairs were ordered and their outdoor ceremony would be happening as long as no unforeseen weather issues took place.  The staff was much better and worked their butts off to make things beautiful. They definitely redeemed themselves from our disappointment the day before.

Jonas and the sweet flower girl

Everything turned out perfectly. The ceremony on the water was enchanting. My son was the cutest Ring Bearer and did his duty in sweet earnest taking the flower girl by the hand and speaking kind words to her as he walked her down the aisle. My sister was such a beautiful bride...seeing her for the first time literally had the impact of taking your breath away. Her groom cried and it was contagious.

The reception was the best. There was a photo booth, an incredible DJ and a very large dance floor. Needless to say, things got out of hand in the best way.  Even our 90 year old grandfather had 9 Bloody Marys and told tall tales at the bar. It was great.

Me and the lovely bride

Me, my handsome Jeremiah, and our crazy kid

My silly family and friends

Now that the wedding is over, I can hang up my Matron-of-Honor hat and revel in a job well done. I got through all the planning, prep, and social interactions without being too awkward. I even managed to nail my M.o.H. speech without thinking about the onlooking guests (which had the potential to turn my bowels into water). Definitely a win! Definitely the most amazing wedding EVER! I wish my sister and her new husband a truly "Happily Ever O'Hara".

Mood: FUTURE ISLANDS

I love Future Islands. They are a synthy band out of Baltimore, Maryland that reminds me of early David Bowie and even The Smiths/Morrisey, though they are definitely unique in their own right.  Gerrit Welmers singing voice has a way of tearing me apart and I find myself thanking him for the utter unhinging.

So today I feel like almost dead flowers. I tend to be taken by melancholy when I am at the bridge of a big event, like my sister's wedding. I wonder what I will do when I have more time for silence. I fear idleness above all else. Today I made a playlist for my mood. It brings me joy in the way only only those who have been kissed by sadness can understand. It is so lovely.

Future Islands Mix
1. Sun in the Morning
2. Like the Moon
3. A Dream of You and Me
4. Back in the Tall Grass
5. The Fountain
6. Seasons (Waiting on You)
7. Song for Our Grandfathers
8. Vireo's Eye
9. Tin Man
10. Inch of Dust
11. The Happiness of Being Twice
12. Give Us the Wind
13. Light House
14. In the Fall 

Here are some samples from the above playlist:

Sun in the Morning

 

Like the Moon

Back in the Tall Grass

Seasons (Waiting on You)

 

Current obsession: Anna & R.J.'s wedding this weekend

For the past year being there for my sister Anna while she planned her wedding has been an experience I will always cherish. I'm so incredibly excited that in 5 sleeps I will be waking up with the excited buzz of wedding bliss. R.J. is already like a brother to my husband and me and I look forward to every moment of their upcoming nuptials. Now I just have to write a killer Matron-of-Honor speech...I'm definitely up for the task.

The couple I love to love

Incredible weather forecast. Literally my favorite kind of day.

Misconceptions on parenting an only child

1. We are the proud parents of an only child who is seriously the best.
2. This is not an us against them post.
3. I have plenty of friends who have anywhere from 2 to 6 children and each family has its unique challenges  and routines that make them forces to be reckoned with.
4. I'm one of 5 kids myself and my mother is Superwoman.
5. This is an open clarification to the common misconceptions and interrogations my husband and I face as the parents of an only child.

Even though I have found the most gracious ways I say, "None of your damn business" I still find that people have no filters or boundaries when it comes to their assumptions regarding other peoples lives. I'm going to address 3 REAL questions and comments that I have received over the past year alone and respond to them individually and from a personal place.

1. When are you going to give that darling little boy of yours a sibling...you don't want them to have too much of an age gap.
This is the most common question/comment and perhaps the most painful of all for me personally. Did it ever occur to anyone that perhaps it isn't for lack of WANTING another child? My husband and I both thought we'd have two or more children. When well-meaning people ask and probe me about my family plans what they are unintentionally doing is reminding me of the fact that for a couple of years, my husband and I were human guinea pigs trying to figure out what was keeping us from expanding our family. They are reminding me of the miscarriages, negative pregnancy tests, and the painful diagnosis of secondary infertility. Even if it had been our choice to have one child, I certainly shouldn't be expected to explain my position on the matter to anyone with the balls to pry into my personal life. By the way, this is also applicable when asking a married couple without kids what their family plans are...just don't. You never know if you are inadvertently a pillar of salt walking towards a raw wound. 

2. I'm so stressed out! You wouldn't understand because you only have one child so things are easier for you.
This comment is the one that makes me the angriest since it usually comes from my peers. The particular source of this comment is from a stay-at-home mom, an incredibly stressful, underpaid, and sometimes under appreciated job in itself.  I don't minimize their plights and sure as hell don't appreciate being passive aggressively undermined as a parent because my responsibilities differ from hers.  I do all the things stay-at-home mom's do too with the added guilt of working a full time job and a part time job. Not to mention, I'm a full throttle volunteer for all of my son's extra activities and at our church. Just because I don't have 2 or 3 extra kids thrown in to the mix hardly means my days are easy, less hectic, or without their share of stress and challenges. I have a friend who is a single mother with 5 kids, a full time job, and is supermom to boot and she NEVER minimizes the lives of her friends regardless of how many children they have. I urge anyone who makes assumptions about other parents to be more like my friend.  Try being supportive instead of making them feel that they haven't parented enough to understand your busy family lives.

3. What a cute birthday party your son had! It's nice you can do all that for him, I have 3 kids so I don't have time for that. 
Okay, this one really gets to me because I know plenty of folks with gardens of kids that have birthday parties that look like they stepped out of the pages of Martha Stewart Living. I ENJOY doing crafty DIY things. When this past year my son asked for a Knights of the Realm birthday theme, I printed, laminated, cut, glued, and Amazoned my way to a great party. It was fun and a lot less expensive than a party at BounceU.  Don't minimize my efforts by making assumptions about all the free time I must have...doing crafty things is something I enjoy and it centers me so I make time for it because its important to me.



I will allow that middle-class parents of only children have some advantages...college isn't as daunting of a prospect, we can afford to do more than if we had more kids, and Jonas gets our undivided attention because he is our only child. On the flip side, for us personally, we wanted more kids and couldn't have them so it hurt when Jonas used to ask why he doesn't have a brother or sister like his friends. We miss out on watching Jonas grow up with a sibling and enjoying the prospect that they will grow up to be great friends who hopefully support each other after Jer and I are gone.

The bottom line is, as parents wouldn't it be lovely if our first response was to be supportive and not comparative? Wouldn't it be nice if people would stop to consider the weight of their words and understand that there are two sides to every coin?