Misconceptions on parenting an only child

1. We are the proud parents of an only child who is seriously the best.
2. This is not an us against them post.
3. I have plenty of friends who have anywhere from 2 to 6 children and each family has its unique challenges  and routines that make them forces to be reckoned with.
4. I'm one of 5 kids myself and my mother is Superwoman.
5. This is an open clarification to the common misconceptions and interrogations my husband and I face as the parents of an only child.

Even though I have found the most gracious ways I say, "None of your damn business" I still find that people have no filters or boundaries when it comes to their assumptions regarding other peoples lives. I'm going to address 3 REAL questions and comments that I have received over the past year alone and respond to them individually and from a personal place.

1. When are you going to give that darling little boy of yours a sibling...you don't want them to have too much of an age gap.
This is the most common question/comment and perhaps the most painful of all for me personally. Did it ever occur to anyone that perhaps it isn't for lack of WANTING another child? My husband and I both thought we'd have two or more children. When well-meaning people ask and probe me about my family plans what they are unintentionally doing is reminding me of the fact that for a couple of years, my husband and I were human guinea pigs trying to figure out what was keeping us from expanding our family. They are reminding me of the miscarriages, negative pregnancy tests, and the painful diagnosis of secondary infertility. Even if it had been our choice to have one child, I certainly shouldn't be expected to explain my position on the matter to anyone with the balls to pry into my personal life. By the way, this is also applicable when asking a married couple without kids what their family plans are...just don't. You never know if you are inadvertently a pillar of salt walking towards a raw wound. 

2. I'm so stressed out! You wouldn't understand because you only have one child so things are easier for you.
This comment is the one that makes me the angriest since it usually comes from my peers. The particular source of this comment is from a stay-at-home mom, an incredibly stressful, underpaid, and sometimes under appreciated job in itself.  I don't minimize their plights and sure as hell don't appreciate being passive aggressively undermined as a parent because my responsibilities differ from hers.  I do all the things stay-at-home mom's do too with the added guilt of working a full time job and a part time job. Not to mention, I'm a full throttle volunteer for all of my son's extra activities and at our church. Just because I don't have 2 or 3 extra kids thrown in to the mix hardly means my days are easy, less hectic, or without their share of stress and challenges. I have a friend who is a single mother with 5 kids, a full time job, and is supermom to boot and she NEVER minimizes the lives of her friends regardless of how many children they have. I urge anyone who makes assumptions about other parents to be more like my friend.  Try being supportive instead of making them feel that they haven't parented enough to understand your busy family lives.

3. What a cute birthday party your son had! It's nice you can do all that for him, I have 3 kids so I don't have time for that. 
Okay, this one really gets to me because I know plenty of folks with gardens of kids that have birthday parties that look like they stepped out of the pages of Martha Stewart Living. I ENJOY doing crafty DIY things. When this past year my son asked for a Knights of the Realm birthday theme, I printed, laminated, cut, glued, and Amazoned my way to a great party. It was fun and a lot less expensive than a party at BounceU.  Don't minimize my efforts by making assumptions about all the free time I must have...doing crafty things is something I enjoy and it centers me so I make time for it because its important to me.



I will allow that middle-class parents of only children have some advantages...college isn't as daunting of a prospect, we can afford to do more than if we had more kids, and Jonas gets our undivided attention because he is our only child. On the flip side, for us personally, we wanted more kids and couldn't have them so it hurt when Jonas used to ask why he doesn't have a brother or sister like his friends. We miss out on watching Jonas grow up with a sibling and enjoying the prospect that they will grow up to be great friends who hopefully support each other after Jer and I are gone.

The bottom line is, as parents wouldn't it be lovely if our first response was to be supportive and not comparative? Wouldn't it be nice if people would stop to consider the weight of their words and understand that there are two sides to every coin?